Recovery from a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered individual is often more painful than your average break up due to the higher level of turbulence and amount of disturbing events experienced in the relationship.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a severe mental disorder that falls under the banner of Cluster B Personality types alongside Narcissistic Personality disorder. One of Cluster B personality trademark traits is the inability to fight fair and so the break-up is unlikely to be calm nor amicable. Breaking up with a person who has Borderline Personality often ends with no sense of closure making it more difficult to heal.
In the beginning the co-dependant usually confuses intensity and passion with love as the Borderline Personality creates a strong bond by love bombing their new “favourite person.” When the passion begins to wain as the honey moon phase ends the co-dependant will begin to experience the cycle of devaluation and idealisation, a characteristic Borderline Personality behaviour.
In spite of the spiral of increasing devaluation the empath will try to ‘babysit’ the BPD’s troubled emotional state by tiptoeing around them and doing their best to avoid upsetting them. Borderline personalities require that a romantic partner serve only the interests of the disordered individuals. However, no physical, financial or emotional efforts ever seems to make any lasting difference. The cycle of idealisation and devaluation is then repeated over and over until the loved one starts to experience emotional exhaustion, confusion and deficits to their self esteem.
Anyone who has experienced a relationship with an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder will be familiar with the constant feeling of confusion and despair that comes with their erratic mood changes and emotional instability. Unpredictability of mood is the hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder with a swing from extreme agitation to depression to detached indifference at the blink of an eye. These individuals often react in away where the emotion does in no way match the circumstance.
Borderline Personality Disordered individuals cause emotional injuries by using words as ammunition to harm and often use gaslighting or lies to manipulate. They often lash out or punish their loved one in some way if there is an attempt to hold them accountable. The Borderline Personality individual annihilates their loved one for setting reasonable boundaries because of the severe fragmentation of their Self that prevents any true accountability. This makes them unable to love and respect others needs in the way mature people do.
Showing vulnerability is necessary for an authentic relationship and something Cluster B personalities struggle with. Do Borderline Personality Individuals enjoy hurting the people they love with their unrealistic expectations and mind games? The answer is “No.”
Those with Borderline Personality Disorder have suffered substantial trauma early in life and have been download with unhealthy models of attachment by their carers.
Individuals with Borderline Personality feel a consistent sense of emptiness and suffer from severe abandonment issues. They are constantly in a state of hyper vigilance looking for something to go wrong or for people they love to leave them and so often misinterpret social cues, facial expressions and tones. As a coping mechanism during childhood they have managed to create a false self that is aggressive and combatant in order to protect the vulnerable and wounded part of themselves. The clinical term for this
process is “splitting” and explains how the loved goes from ‘favourite person” in the world to most evil person in a flick of a switch. The splitting causes black and white thinking which effects their ability to empathise or see their loved ones point of view. The Borderline Personality Individual is missing what is referred to as “object constancy”, the ability to maintain positive feelings for someone when feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, or disappointed with their behaviour. Without object constancy, a misunderstanding can suddenly escalate into a potential breakup.
A relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered person is like being on a Roller Coaster Ride that you can’t seem to get off and it is most often the Borderline who determines when the ride ends. If you have ended a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered Person or are in the process of doing so I can provide you with the tools and guidance to move on with your life and recover quickly.
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