Conflict in marriage is a very normal part of life and in fact one conflict per week is considered healthy for any relationship according to America’s leading relationship guru, Dr John Gottman. Couples who are conflict avoidant often suffer in many other areas of their relationship than those who engage in weekly conflict in marriage.
Conflict can simply be done in two ways; well or badly. “Relationship Masters” as referred to by Gottman are those that manage conflict in marriage in a dignified and respectful way. Relationship Masters are able to effectively avoid conflict escalating and are proficient at not take themselves too seriously in the heat of an argument. Relationship disasters, however, make a mess of things by resorting to defence mechanisms and treating their partner like they would their enemy on a battlefield. At the end of the day it is each partners responsibility to keep one another safe in the relationship and this extends to times where there is conflict.
Studies from the Gottman Relationship Institute report that sixty-nine percent of a couple’s problems are gridlocked. Gridlocked conflict in marriage is a pattern of having the same or similar conflict repeatedly over the course of one’s relationship. When there is this type of conflict in marriage the conflict may not ever be resolved due to differences in core beliefs or values but it can be managed.
I teach my couples effective exercises that enable each partner to really listen, show curiosity, empathise and validate their spouse. When practiced to perfection this becomes a real game changer in the relationship. Conflict in marriage can lead to disengagement, lack of intimacy and often divorce and yet many couples fail to reach out for help and continue to repeat their patterns of engagement until the relationship fails. Conflict in marriage can be done well and this is something I am passionate about sharing with my clients. World peace, after all starts with peace in the home. A Relationship Master is not born, they learn the skills needed to have a harmonious relationship.
For couple counselling (face-to face or via Skype) please contact me on support@martinamagnery.com.au
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