People pleasing is often a toxic habit that can lead to lack of boundaries and problematic relationships. It is often a symptom of family patterns or adverse advents in childhood that leads a person to people please. A people pleaser may have learnt to act in certain ways to receive love they need which later becomes dysfunctional and developmentally unhealthy. If done excessively, people pleasing can lead the pleaser to experience many forms of betrayal and even abusive situations.
Low Self-Esteem
People pleasers do not feel good enough, worthy enough, interesting enough, not smart enough, fun enough, skilful, or talented enough. They may reject compliments and avoid situations where that put them in the spotlight. The limiting beliefs they have about themselves often stem from poor attachment issues growing up leading to insecurity and a lack of self-worth.
Pedestaling
A people pleaser often puts others above themselves without questionby pedestalling or phawning. School teaches us to pedestal, by firstly making us compete with our peers within a hierarchical system. At school there is an order of first second, third and last. This vertical system teaches us that there is someone always better than us, but this is a distortion. We all have talents, virtues, attributes, and gifts. We are all able to contribute, collaborate or show up in some individual way. When you pedestal you tell the others that you are less important.
Conflict Avoidant
People pleasers avoid conflict at all costs. They would rather surrender in a conflict situation or do anything to avoid engagement rather than defend themselves and stick up for what they value. Avoiding conflict leads to miscommunication and blurred boundaries. Someone who avoids conflict has learnt in earlier life that conflict is something to be fearful of. Fear of consequences such as being unliked are the reason people pleasers avoid conflict.
Low Standards in Relationships
People pleasers are not selective when it comes to choosing friends. They may allow friends or family members to walk all over them as they value loyalty over respect. When you have low standards, you will tend to except anyone into your life or repeatedly tolerate and endure bad behaviour. People pleasers may be fearful of being on their own and believe an average relationship is better than no relationship at all
Therapy helps individual to eliminate their people pleasing traits so that they can live their best life and not bear the consequences of feeling resentful and bitter for their life choices.