What Are Micro-Traumas in Relationships?
Not every relationship rupture comes from a major betrayal. Often, it’s the small, repeated moments of hurt—dismissive comments, emotional withdrawal, and feeling unheard that slowly erode trust. These micro-traumas may not seem significant at first, but over time, they can create deep emotional distance.
The good news, however, is that these wounds don’t have to define your relationship. With the right system and processes, couples can heal past hurts, rebuild trust, and create a foundation of emotional safety.
Micro-traumas are the small but recurring emotional wounds that accumulate over time. Unlike a major crisis (such as infidelity), these subtle moments of pain often go unspoken yet shape the way partners feel about each other.
1.Interrupting Or Dismissing Concerns.
Interrupting or dismissing concerns can make a partner feel unheard, disrespected, and emotionally disconnected. Here are some common examples:
- Cutting You Off Mid-Sentence
- You start explaining how something made you feel, and they interrupt with “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
- Before you can finish expressing a thought, they talk over you about their own perspective.
- They assume they know what you’re going to say and dismiss it before you even finish.
- Minimising Your Feelings
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It’s not that big of a deal.”
- “Why are you making such a fuss about this?”
- Deflecting Instead of Engaging
- Changing the subject when you bring up something important: “Let’s talk about something else.”
- Making a joke to avoid a serious conversation: “Oh, here we go again with the drama.”
- Immediately turning the conversation to themselves: “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me today.”
- Gaslighting Your Concerns
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re being way too sensitive.”
- Dismissing Needs or Boundaries
- You express discomfort, and they respond with “You’re just being difficult.”
- You ask for space, and they ignore it or guilt-trip you for it.
- You say something hurts you, and they respond with “That’s just how I am.”
- Ignoring or Walking Away Mid-Conversation
- Physically turning away or walking out of the room while you’re speaking.
- Picking up their phone or engaging in another activity while you’re sharing something important.
- Sighing loudly, rolling their eyes, or acting visibly annoyed when you speak.
- Dismissing Your Expertise or Perspective
- “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- “Let me explain this to you properly.” (In a condescending way.)
- “You always think you’re right.”
2.Subtle Put-Downs
Subtle put-downs are often disguised as jokes, backhanded compliments, or minor criticisms that make you feel small or insecure. Here are some examples:
- Backhanded Compliments
- “You’re actually really smart for someone who didn’t go to college.”
- “You look good today… for a change.”
- “Wow, I didn’t expect you to pull that off!”
- Jokes at Your Expense
- “I’m just kidding, don’t be so sensitive.” (After making a rude remark.)
- “That was adorable—your attempt at cooking.”
- “You’re so cute when you try to sound smart.”
- Comparing You to Others
- “My ex never had a problem with this.”
- “Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?”
- “Most people can handle this, but I guess you’re different.”
- Dismissing Your Feelings
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “It’s not that big of a deal.”
- “You always have to make everything about you.”
- Undermining Your Achievements
- “Must be nice to get lucky like that.”
- “I guess anyone can do that these days.”
- “It’s not like you’re curing cancer.”
- Questioning Your Capabilities
- “Are you sure you can handle that?”
- “I’ll explain it again, since you didn’t get it the first time.”
- “I don’t think this is really your thing.”
- Making You Feel Self-Conscious
- “Are you really going to wear that?”
- “You look tired.”
- “Your hair was nicer when it was longer.”
These put-downs can chip away at self-esteem, especially if they happen repeatedly. Have you noticed any of these in your relationship?
3.Lack of Appreciation
Lack of appreciation in a relationship can show up in many ways, from taking a partner for granted to failing to acknowledge their efforts. Here are some common examples:
- Not Saying “Thank You” or Acknowledging Efforts
- You cook dinner, and they eat without a word of appreciation.
- You go out of your way to help them, and they don’t acknowledge it.
- You make a thoughtful gesture, and they act like it’s expected rather than appreciated.
- Taking You for Granted
- They assume you’ll always take care of things (cleaning, planning, emotional support) without recognizing your efforts.
- They rarely ask how you’re doing but expect you to be there for them.
- They only notice you when you stop doing what they’ve come to expect.
- Dismissing Your Hard Work or Achievements
- “Anyone could have done that.”
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- They don’t celebrate your milestones (work success, personal growth, creative projects).
- Lack of Gratitude for Emotional Support
- You’re always there to listen and comfort them, but they never acknowledge how much energy that takes.
- They vent to you often but don’t show appreciation for your patience and care.
- Never Returning the Effort
- You plan thoughtful dates or surprises, but they never put in the same effort.
- You always check in on them, but they don’t do the same for you.
- You support their dreams and goals, but they don’t show the same enthusiasm for yours.
- Rarely Complimenting or Recognizing You
- They don’t express admiration or appreciation for your qualities.
- They only give feedback when something is wrong but never when things are good.
- They make you feel like your presence, contributions, or love are just expected, not
Dismissal of concens, subtle put-downs or lack of appreciation can make a partner feel invisible or unimportant. While each moment may seem small, their repeated occurrence builds resentment, insecurity, and emotional disconnection—eventually leading to negative interaction cycles that keep couples stuck. Emotional distancing and triggered reactions are the result of these micro-traumas over time.
Clinical research suggests EMDR can create lasting change, reducing emotional distress and helping couples rewire painful relational patterns. Psycho-education using the Gottman Method and comprehensive strategies can also change the nature of your negative communication patterns. Reach out here if you need help with these issues.