Betrayal trauma is one of the most devastating human experiences. When a partner breaches any form of trust it can and leave deep emotional scars. Recovering from such trauma may not be possible by time alone. Intentional, structured interventions to process overwhelming feelings and a strong desire for both partners to uncover the cause and effect of the betrayal is required to overcome it.
What is Betrayal Trauma in a Relationship?
Betrayal trauma occurs when a partner breaks trust that shakes the emotional and psychological foundation of the relationship. This can come in many forms, including:
- Infidelity (physical or emotional)
- Lying or deceit
- Financial Abuse (such as hidden debts or spending)
- Abandonment or sudden withdrawal of emotional support
- Breaking promises or violating mutual agreements
Unlike other types of trauma, betrayal trauma undermines the fundamental sense of safety and security one expects to feel in an intimate relationship. When someone you trust betrays you, it can trigger various Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) responses that, range from shock, disbelief and checking behaviours to deep hurt, anger, and despair.
The Impact of Betrayal Trauma
The effects of betrayal trauma can deeply affect both emotional and physical well-being. Here are some common symptoms:
- Emotional Distress: Intense feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, or depression.
- Trust Issues: Difficulty trusting your partner or other people in your life, including future partners.
- Hypervigilance: A heightened sense of fear or suspicion, scanning your environment for signs of future betrayal.
- Self-Esteem Issues: Feelings of worthlessness, shame, or guilt that damage your sense of self.
- Flashbacks and Intrusive Thoughts: Recurrent thoughts or vivid memories of the betrayal, often causing emotional disturbances in daily life.
- Dissociation: A feeling of disconnection from reality, as if you’re “numb” or emotionally distant.
Betrayal trauma can affect your ability to function in day to day life, making it difficult to focus your attention, trust your own judgement and the trust others. .
Why Is It So Hard to Move Past Betrayal Trauma?
Moving past betrayal trauma is particularly challenging because it fundamentally breaks the attachment bond in relationships. When the foundation of trust is broken in a relationship, vulnerability, and mutual respect becomes difficult.
Betrayal trauma leads to the amygdala, the emotional processing part of the brain, to become overactive. Meanwhile the prefrontal cortex, which helps with reasoning and decision-making, can become de-activated. This imbalance can make it difficult to rationalise what has happened and control emotional reactions, triggering a survival response of fight, flight, or freeze. This can lead to:
- Avoidance of emotions: Suppression or avoidance of the painful feelings associated with the betrayal.
- Emotional numbing: Feelingl disconnected from your partner, unable to experience and positive emotions in the relationship.
- Hyperarousal: Constantly on edge, overanalysing your partner’s actions and words.
The weight of betrayal can feel destabilising, making it hard to envision a path toward healing. However, with there are therapeutic approaches that can make it possible to work through these intense emotions and rebuild psychological safety in the relationship. One highly effective therapeutic approach for processing betrayal trauma is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).
How EMDR Therapy Can Help Heal Betrayal Trauma
One of the most effective treatments for betrayal trauma is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a psychotherapy technique that helps people process traumatic experiences. Originally developed to treat PTSD, EMDR is increasingly being used to help individuals recover from other forms of emotional trauma, including betrayal trauma.
What is EMDR?
EMDR is a structured therapy that helps the brain reframe traumatic memories, by desensitising the emotion attached to them. The goal of EMDR ihelp the brain store the memory in a healthier, more adaptive way.
One benefit of EMDR is that it doesn’t require you to talk about the traumatic event in detail. Instead, it uses bilateral stimulation of the eye movements to assist in reprocessing the experience.
How EMDR Works in Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Here’s how EMDR can help you heal from betrayal trauma:
1. Reprocessing Traumatic Memories
The EMDR process help tax the work memory so the traumatic event looses its emotional charge and becomes more distant.
2. Strengthening Positive Beliefs
Part of betrayal trauma recovery is rebuilding your sense of self-worth that can be damaged by the event.
4. Healing the Body’s Response to Trauma
Betrayal trauma causes physical symptoms such as tightness in the chest, breathing difficulties or stomach pain. EMDR helps release these stored physical sensations int body and promotes a sense of physical relief.
The Gottman Method For Relationship Problems
There may have been various issues in the relationship that have contributed to the emotional disconnection in the relationship. Sometimes a partner doesn’t feel validated or emotionally supported in the relationship that could lead to them looking outside the relationship or lying about certain events. The Gottman Relationship Check-up is an assessment that is based on forty years of sold research on couples. If you are wanting to save the relationship or are just needing an understanding of the potential causes of the betrayal then this sixty minute questionnaire can help. The check-up looks at the strengths and areas a couple needs help with. It can help resolve communication issues and build emotional connection after a distressing event.
A Mutual Personal Growth Journey
Committing to a journey of personal growth for both partners is one way to overcome a betrayal. Learnt behaviours from childhood can be unlearnt, attachment styles can be changed and new habits can be formed. If a couple has a growth mindset they will move past the betrayal and build strong boundaries that protect the relationship in the future. Personal Development is a life long commitment but deciding to partake in a mutual personal development program is one way a couple can evolve and leave the betrayal in the past. A transformational couple coaching program can be a good place to start.
For more information about any of these modalities please enquire here.