No one enters a relationship with a goal to end it. We hope, that love will be enough to get us through the difficult seasons. But sometimes, the hardest and most courageous decision we face isn’t about what we should do to stay. It’s whether we should.
This dilemma is at the heart of many therapy sessions. Clients come in heavy with uncertainty, guilt, and exhaustion, asking: “Is it me?” “Are we just in a rough patch?” “Am I giving up too soon?” “Have I stayed too long?”
There is no simple checklist that works for every couple, however, there are signs, patterns, and clinical data that can help illuminate the path forward.
The Case for Staying: When Growth is Possible
Relationships are inherently imperfect. Most long-term couples go through disconnection, conflict, and even periods of doubt. There are some key indicators that the relationship can be saved based on clinical data collated over the past forty years.
According to Dr. John Gottman’s decades of research, couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions — even during conflict — are significantly more likely to stay together. What this means is that even in difficult times, the emotional climate of the relationship still includes kindness, respect, humor, and emotional safety.
Stay if:
- You fight, but there is mutual repair, accountability, and a desire to understand.
- You both show a willingness to grow and take responsibility — individually and together.
- There’s shared vision for the future
- There is emotional intimacy
- The challenges you’re facing are circumstantial (new parenthood, burnout, grief) rather than chronic patterns of disrespect, avoidance, or contempt.
In these cases, support like couple’s therapy or an intensive retreat can get the relationship back to a healthy state again.
The Case for Leaving
Sometimes staying is no longer a path to growth — it’s a slow erosion of self-worth. Over time, you may find yourself feeling anxious when anxiety was never a problem before. You feel shutdown, a shell of your former yourself.
Red flags often include:
- Chronic criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt (Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”).
- Lack of repair after conflict or emotional shutdown.
- Patterns of gaslighting, manipulation, or coercive control.
- Repeated betrayal or broken trust with no meaningful change.
- Deep misalignment in values or vision for the future.=
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals in high-conflict, low-support relationships experience significantly more symptoms of depression and lower self-esteem than those who are single. Staying in a relationship that chronically undermines your well-being isn’t noble but in fact can very harmful psychologically and physically.
If you feel more like a caretaker or an emotional dumping ground rather than a partner, or if you’ve outgrown the unhealthy dynamics and your partner is resistant to explore healthier ways— leaving may be the most self-honoring path.
The Gray Zone: When You’re Still Unsure
Some relationships are not toxic or deeply dysfunctional — but they’ve become flat, disconnected, or stagnant or there are some attachment issues to resolve. If you’ve tried to revive connection through therapy, deep conversations, or shared effort, and things still don’t shift, it may be time to consider whether you’re staying out of fear, nostalgia, or obligation.
Ask yourself:
- Who am I in this relationship?
- Do I feel emotionally seen and safe?
- Are we growing together — or just coexisting?
Sometimes, the person you once loved is no longer aligned with who you’re becoming and the relationship may have run its course.
What the Data Says About Relationship Decisions
- A 2018 meta-analysis published in Clinical Psychology Review shows that ambivalence in relationships (feeling stuck between staying and leaving) is associated with increased stress, anxiety, and decision fatigue.
- The Marital Instability Over the Life Course Study found that people who reported being “very unhappy” but stayed in their marriages were almost 5 times more likely to report being happy five years later — but only when there was effort and willingness to change from both parties.
- In contrast, people who left deeply unhappy relationships often reported higher life satisfaction over time — especially when the relationship included chronic emotional disconnection or abuse.
Final Thoughts
Whether you stay or go, the key is not in the decision itself — it’s in the consciousness behind it.
It is important to recognise whether you are staying out of fear, obligation or trust? Staying is noble when both partners are actively motivated to work on personal growth. Leaving is noble when you are willing to trust your own judgment and are fully able to honour your self-preservation.
There is no “right” answer that fits all couples and all circumstances. But there is a right answer for you. One that aligns with your values, needs, and self-respect.
You’re not weak for trying nor selfish for walking away because at the end of the day you are allowed to choose the kind of love that also chooses you back.